We have results of a massive, vital new study by the University of California San Francisco(UCSF)...on the different ways we Americans INJURE OUR GENITALIA!  From 2002 to 2010, they found that about 16,000 Americans went to the emergency room for genitalia injuries.  69% were MALE.  And the top seven most common things that caused us those injuries, guys, are as follows:

#1. BICYCLES. (They play HELL on your buddies!  I feel they need to re-invent the bicycle seat for guys to accommodate the entire content of the banana hammock!)

#2. RAZORS, SCISSORS, AND CLIPPERS. (When you shave or trim your beard and stash, you should wear an athletic supporter with a cup.)

#3. ZIPPER INJURIES. (These are injuries that can sneak up on you FAST!!!  When pulling your zipper up, do it very slowly.)

#4. FALLING IN THE BATHROOM. (Slipping, doing the splits, and slamming into the floor naked without support...NEED I SAY MORE???)

#5. PLAYING BASKETBALL. (Playing without a jock strap is ASKING for trouble!)

#6. PLAYING BASEBALL OR SOFTBALL. (Playing without a jock strap WITH A CUP is inviting intense, severe pain from a 200 mph line drive, or 97 mph wild pitch!  Wear the cup!)

#7. SKIING AND SNOWBORDING. (Again, minimal jock strap, with a cup for optimal prevention from Mr. Pain.)